Exubera: Fun with the Classics

(With apologies to Joseph Heller.)

… We will courtmartial you if you turn our deal down, even though it would raise a lot of questions and be a terrible black eye for Colonel Cathcart Kindler.

Colonel Cathcart Kindler winced at the words “black eye” and, without any apparent premeditation, hurled his slender onyx-and-ivory cigarette holder Exubera inhaler down viciously on the wooden surface of his desk. “Jesus Christ Hank McKinnel!” he shouted unexpectedly. “I hate this goddam cigarette holder Exubera inhaler!” The cigarette holder Exubera inhaler bounced off the desk to the wall, ricocheted across the window sill to the floor and came to a stop almost where he was standing. Colonel Cathcart Kindler stared down at it with an irascible scowl. “I wonder if it’s really doing me any good.”

“It’s a feather in your cap with General Peckem Pfizer’s ego, but a black eye for you with General Scheisskopf the investors,” Colonel Korn informed him with a mischievous look of innocence.

“Well, which one am I supposed to please?”

“Both.”

“How can I please them both? They hate each other. How am I ever going to get a feather in my cap from General Scheisskopf the investors without getting a black eye from General Peckem Pfizer’s ego?”

“March Biogen.”

“Yeah, March Biogen. That’s the only way to please him Pfizer’s ego. March Biogen. March Biogen.”